You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If ...

• Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body than you use to play your instrument.
• It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan than your amp.
• During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting those annoying cymbals.
• You refuse to play out of tune.
• Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round a golf.
• Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
• All you want from groupies is a foot massage and a back rub.
• You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list..
• You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
• Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the extra money.
• You've lost the directions to the gig.
• Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose.
• Most of the hair you've plucked from your chin or nose is gray.
• You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
• You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
• You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
• The waitress is your daughter.
• You stop the set because your bottle of ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
• Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
• You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
• You no longer use a tip jar.
• You refuse to play without earplugs.
• You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m.
• You want an opening act.
• You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
• High notes make you cough.
• Your gig stool has a back.
• You're related to at least one other member of the band.
• Most of the band members want to date your daughter.
• You need a nap before the gig.
• You don't let anyone "sit in."
• After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
• During the breaks, you now go to your van to lie down.
• You prefer a music stand with a light.
• You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
• You can't operate without a set list.
• You say you double on bass.
• You discourage playing longer than contracted.
• You have a contract.
• You know all the words to "Aqualung."

—the following contributed by Bob Turner

• You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
• You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
• You hope the host's speech lasts forever.
• You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
• You feel guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
• You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
• You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days.
• Your set list is dance-able.
• You think "homey" means cozy and warm.
• You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!
• Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party.
• Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids.
• In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.
• On all out of town gigs, you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.
• You start listing your truss as a "business expense".
• You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.
• You get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex company.
• You play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!
• You play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday.
• The only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.
• You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.
• Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to turn himself up.
• You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.
• Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
• You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
• Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.
• The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
• You look at the song list you provide to clients and realize the last song you entered under your "top 40" category is "Disco Inferno".

—the following contributed by J.J. Fraser

• The set list has to be in 20 point type.
• Your drug of choice is now coffee.
• It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.
• You fart on stage and don't laugh.

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