You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If ...

• Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body than you use to play your instrument.
• It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan than your amp.
• During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting those annoying cymbals.
• You refuse to play out of tune.
• Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round a golf.
• Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
• All you want from groupies is a foot massage and a back rub.
• You love shopping the dollar store because you can sing along to most of their playlist.
• You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
• Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the extra money.
• You've lost the directions to the gig.
• Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose.
• Most of the hair you've plucked from your chin or nose is gray.
• You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
• You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
• You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
• The waitress is your daughter.
• You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
• Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
• You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
• You no longer use a tip jar.
• You refuse to play without earplugs.
• You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m.
• You want an opening act.
• You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
• High notes make you cough.
• Your gig stool has a back.
• You're related to at least one other member of the band.
• Most of the band members want to date your daughter.
• You need a nap before the gig.
• You don't let anyone "sit in."
• After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
• During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.
• You prefer a music stand with a light.
• You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
• You can't operate without a set list.
• You say you double on bass.
• You discourage playing longer than contracted.
• You have a contract.
• You know all the words to "Aqualung."

Thanks to Bob Turner for the following:

• You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
• You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
• You hope the host's speech lasts forever.
• You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
• You feel guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
• You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
• You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days.
• Your set list is dance-able.
• You think "homey" means cozy and warm.
• You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!
• Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party.
• Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids.
• In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.
• On all out of town gigs, you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.
• You start listing your truss as a "business expense".
• You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.
• You get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex company.
• You play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!
• You play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday.
• The only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.
• You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.
• Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to turn himself up.
• You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.
• Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
• You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
• Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.
• The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
• You look at the song list you provide to clients and realize the last song you entered under your "top 40" category is "Disco Inferno".