Questions and Answers

• Q. How is a drum kit and a Hoover alike?
• A. They both have a dirtbag on them.

• Q. What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
• A. His amplifier.

• Q. What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
• A. The drummer.

• Q. What has 3 legs and an idiot on top of it?
• A. A drum stool.

• Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
• A. Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

• Q. There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
• A. The policeman.

• Q. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
• A. Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.

• Q. Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
• A. Upward mobility.

• Q. What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
• A. A music critic.

• Q. Did you hear about the bass player who accidentally locked the keys
  in his car?
• A. It took him an hour to get the drummer out.

• Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a kaleidoscope?
• A. One produces a random set of patterns designed to entertain a 4-year-old and the other you aim at a light source and turn.

• Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a monkey?
• A. You can train a monkey.

• Q. How are trumpet players like pirates?
• A. They're both murder on the high Cs.

• Q. How do you define perfect pitch?
• A. When the banjo lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.

• Q.What do you call a musician with a college degree?
• A. Night manager at McDonald's.

• Q. What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
• A. "When do we get to play MY songs?"

• Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
• A. The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

• Q. What do you throw a drowning bass player?
• A. His amp.

• Q. How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
• A. Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

• Q. What do you do if you run over a banjo player?
• A. Back up and hit him again.

• Q. What's the definition of an optimist?
• A. An accordian player with a pager.

• Q. What do all great conductors have in common?
• A. They're all dead.

• Q. What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
• A. Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

• Q. How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. None, they can't get up that high.

• Q. What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
• A. Stop laughing and shoot again.

• Q. Why can't chick singers have colostomies?
• A. Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

• Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
• A. A vocalist.

• Q. How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
• A. Hand them charts a half-step apart.

• Q. What goes with boiled potatoes and sings?
• A. Elvis Parsley — Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Sept. 2006

• Q. Have you always hated bluegrass?
• A. No, only when I'm listening to it. — Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Sept. 2006

• Q. Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
• A. There was a power outage, and twelve banjo players were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

• Q. Did you hear about the two banjo players who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
• A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

• Q. Since the hunchback of Notre Dame couldn't use a modem to get on the internet, what did he use?
• A. A Quasimodem — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Feb. 2005

• Q. What did the diarrhetic Bristish blues sceptic say to the porter?
• A. Is there a W. C. Handy? — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Feb. 2005

• Q. Grampa. why do fireflies blink like that?
• A. Flashing lights on and off helpsthem find a mate.
• Q. Does that work with people?
• A. Not since disco died. — John Allen in "Nest Heads", 8/19/04

• Q. Why is it people like to sing in the shower, but not while taking a bath?
• A. Simple. You can't be held under water in the shower. — John Allen in "Nest Heads", 8/17/04

• Q. What is Martha Stewart’s favorite Bluegrass song?
• A. How Mountain Girls Can Live — Bob Dolan (of Simon Pure )

• Q. What is the theme song for Betty Crocker’s Bluegrass Bake-off?
• A. Roll in my Sweet Baby’s Arms — Bob Dolan (of Simon Pure )

• Q. What was Glenn Miller’s favorite Celtic tune?
• A. In the Mode — Bob Dolan (of Simon Pure )

• Q. What was Tarzan’s favorite Bill Monroe song?
• A. In the Vines – of course he liked it played in a swing style.
  — Bob Dolan (of Simon Pure )

• Q. Why does the musician have to sing for food?
• A. How can he make money from free downloads, dude? — Mark Parisi in "Off the Mark", Denver Post, April 25, 2004

• Q. What do you call a bluegrass band with drums?
• A. Crabgrass — thanks to Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, April 2004

• Q. Do you know how musicians make a million dollars?
• A. They start with two.

• Q. How do musicians spend their time between gigs?
• A. Saving up for the next gig.

• Q. Did you hear about the dislexic Celtic musician who walked into a bra? — Ernie Martinez
• A. Yep, he went home with the booby prize. — Al Ossinger

• Q. Why aren't there any banjos on Star Trek?
• A. Because there are no banjos in the future.

• Q. How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. (from banjo player) Into what? — Bangs Tapscott

• Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backward?
• A. New Age music

• Q. Why do bass players grow moustaches?
• A. So they can use their mothers' IDs to buy beer

• Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. One. Five. One. Five.

• Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
• A. You plug them in and they suck.

• Q. How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.

• Q. What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
• A. The sack.

• Q. Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
• A. They've had such little use.

• If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off the top of a building, which will hit first?
• A. Who cares?

• Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
• A. The bull has the horns up front and the asshole in the back.

• Q. What do you have if you laid all the tenors in the world end to end?
• A. A good idea.

• Q. What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
• A. A good start.

• Q. How does a chick singer change a light bulb?
• A. She just holds it and the world revolves around her.

• Q. What's the difference between a chick singer and the PLO?
• A. You can negotiate with the PLO.

• Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.

• Q. How can you tell when a bass player is really bad?
• A. Even the bass section notices.

• Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
• A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

• Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
• A. Because he turned a peg and wouldn't say which one.

• Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
• A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.

• Q. How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
• A. Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

• Q. Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
• a. They rarely strike the same place twice.

• Q. Why is a viola like a Scud missile?
• A. They are both offensive and inaccurate.

• Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
• A. A harpist tuning unison strings.

• Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune.
• A. The bow is moving.

• Q. What's a tuba for?
• A. About 1 1/2" x 3 1/2"

• Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
• A. Sit in the back and don't play.

• Q. Whats the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
• A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

• Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
• A. Someone who knows how to play the accordian and doesn't.

• Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
• A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

• Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. Five: one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

• Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bariton sax?
• A. Add vibrato.

• Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you ask for directions: an in-tune tenor sax, and out-of-tune tenor sax, or Santa Clause?
• A. the out-of-tune tenor because the other two would prove that you'd been halluciating.

• Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. Five: One to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

• Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a sproano sax?
• A. You can tune the lawnmower—and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

• Q. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
• A. Gifted.

• Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
• A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

• Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
• A. To get away from the basoon recital.

• Q. What's the difference between playing an English Horn solo and wetting your pants?
• A. They both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.

• Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
• A. Shoot one.

• Q. Why is it that so few banjo players sing?
• A. By keeping their mouths shut less drool leaks out. — thanks to Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, June 2003

• Q. Bluegrass musician wannabe: "Honey, didn't you remember to buy me that banjo I wanted for my birthday tomorrow?"
• A. Wife: "I remembered; but unfortunately when I got to the music store they were still open." — thanks to Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, June 2003

• Q. Banjo player: "Any requests?"
• A. Audience member: "Yeah, hold still while I'm throwing these bottles at you." — from Intermountain Acoustic Musician, March 2003

• Q. How many CD producers does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. I don't know. What do you think?

• Q. What is the last line of the national anthem?
• A. "Gentlemen, start your engines."

• Q. What's a weapon, Dad?
• A. An instrument used to hurt somebody
• Q. Should I give up my accordion lessons? — Johnny Hart, in "B.C.", Dec 15, 2002 Denver Post

• Q. Do you know the Canadian jazz standard?
• A. Take the Train-A

• Q. What do you call parachuting banjo players?
• A. Skeet

• Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a vacuum cleaner?
• A. You can remove the dirtbag from the vacuum cleaner. — Matt Flinner or David Grier at RockyGrass 2002

• Q: Do you know why violin players have that little cloth tucked under their chin?
• A: Because violins don't have spit valves.

• Q: What do you call a guy who likes to hand around with musicians?
• A: A drummer. — Richard J. Doherty

• Q. What do you get when you play a Country song backwards?
• A. You get your car back, your house back, your dog back....

• Q. Why do banjo players have 'TGIF' painted inside their shoes?
• A. To remind them, 'toes go in first'. — Intermountain Acoustic Musician, February 2002

• Q. Why do bluegrass pickers die with their boots on?
• A. So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

• Q. What's the difference between a run-over skunk and a run-over banjo player?
• A. There's a remote chance the skunk was on its way to a gig.

• Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
• A. One is loud, obnoxious and noisy. The other is a bird.

• Q. How many jazz bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
• A. All of them are too laid back to bother to change it.

• Q: Two guys are standing on the curb when a taxi pulls up. One is holding a pair of drumsticks, and the other is carrying a guitar. Who is the professional musician?
• A: The taxi driver.

• Q: Imagine a singer, a piano player, a bass player, and a drummer sitting around a table. If you drop a hundred-dollar bill in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting it?
• A: The piano player. Why? The bass player is too slow. For the singer, it's too little money, and the drummer didn't get the assignment.

• Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
• A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

• Q: What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
• A: The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

• Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
• A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old lightbulb was.

• Q: Do you know how many jazz musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
• A1: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
• A2: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

• Q. What is the definition of "optimism"?
• A. A banjo player with an answering machine.

• Q: What do you do when a guitar player shows up at your door?
• A: Pay him for the pizza.

• Q: How do you know when there are banjo players at your door?
• A: They can't find the key, the knock has no rhythm, and they don't know
  when to come in.

• Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
• A: It brings tears to your eyes when you chop up an onion.

• Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
• A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

• Q. What's the Alaska state song?
• A. I Only Have Ice for You
• —Jim Jones

• Q. Why does a drummer have twice the brains of a horse?
• A. So he won't crap in the street during a parade.
• —heard at the 2001 RockyGrass Academy "Advanced" bass class

• Q. What's the best thing to play on a bass?
• A. Poker
• —heard at the 2001 RockyGrass Academy "Advanced" bass class

• Q. Why did it take the banjo player two days to wash one basement window?
• A. It took him a day and a half just to dig the hole to put the ladder in.

• Q. How many banjo players does it take to eat a possum?
• A. Two: one to eat and one to watch for cars

• Q. What's the difference between a banjo player and Dr. Scholl's footpads?
• A. Dr. Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

• Q. Why can't a gorilla play a hoedown fiddle?
• A. He's too sensitive

• Q. How do guitar flatpickers traditionally greet each other?
• A. "Hi. I'm better than you."

• Q. What's the difference between bluegrass musicians and government bonds?
• A. Government bonds eventually mature

• Q: What's the range of a 6 string bass?
• A: 25 yards if you have a good arm.

• Q:How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
• A: None...Roland now makes a machine that does it perfectly.

• Q. What is the difference between at cello and a coffin?
• A. With a coffin, the dead person is on the inside.

• Q. Did you know a violin and a viola are the same size?
• A. Yeah, the violin player's head is bigger.

• Q. How can you tell when a musician is well-hung?
• A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

• Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
• A: A violin never had beer spilled on it.

• Q: How do you shut up a drummer?
• A: Put sheet music in front of him

• Q: What do you call a dozen oboes in a pile?
• A: Kindling.

• Q: Why do bagpipers walk while they play?
• A: To get away from the noise.

• Q: What's the new slogan for the democratic party?
• A: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

• Q: What do you get when you cross a long-haired, long-nosed dog with a cantaloupe?
• A: A melon collie baby

• Q: Why is a resonator banjo better than an open-back banjo?
• A: It crunches more when you run over it with a truck.

• Q: What do you get when you cross a mandolin player with a parking meter?
• A: A parking meter that speeds up.

• Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
• A: With a tuba glue.

• Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
• A: A tattoo.

• Q: What do you call a guitar player with two brain cells?
• A: Pregnant.

• Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
• A: "The Defendant"

• Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
• A: Their personalities.

• Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
• A: Saliva.

• Q: What do you call a jazz musician who's just broken up with his girlfriend?
• A: Homeless.

• Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
• A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

• Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
• A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

• Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
• A: It saves time in the long run.

• Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
• A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

• Q: Why are music jokes so short?
• A: So the bass player can understand them.

• Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
• A: Lay them once and you can walk on them forever.

• Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
• A : About three decibels.

• Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
• A: Drive-by trombone solos.

• Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
• A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

• Q: What is another term for trombone?
• A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

• Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
• A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

• Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
• A: On or off.

• Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
• A: A bad oboist can kill you.

• Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
• A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

• Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
• A: Lipstick.

• Q: Why do people play trombone?
• A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

• Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
• A: Alone.

• Q: How do you stop the spread of AIDS?
• A: Let BMG distribute it.

• Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
• A: A music critic.

• Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
• A: Put it in a viola case.

• Q: What do a bass solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
• A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

• Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
• A: That's the banjo player's new Porsche.

• Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
• A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

• Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
• A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

• Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
• A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

• Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
• A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

• Q : What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
• A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

• Q: What's the difference between a mountain dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
• A: The hammered dulcimer burns longer.

• Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
• A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

• Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?

• A: Eleven pounds.

• Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
• A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

• Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
• A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

• Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
• A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

• Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
• A. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

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