The Twelve Days of ChristmasOnce I tried sending my true-love of the time the twelve gifts of Christmas, figuring that would really impress her. I wanted to see what her reaction would be. I have read of others trying it, but their accounts were rather gross and they used the wrong dates and wrong gifts. Anyway, my true-love was very good at writing thank you notes, so I have it well documented. NOTE: After this act, she withdrew from being my true love, so I will withhold her real address and name. Following are the replies to each of the twelve gifts: Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA December 26 Dearest Bill: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest Love and Devotion, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA December 26 Dearest Bill: Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them. With deepest Love, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA December 26 Dearest Bill: Oh! Your third gift arrived! You really went too far, I think. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind. Love, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA December 26 Dearest Bill: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more. So please, no more birds!! But, thanks. Affectionately, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA December 30 Dearest Bill: What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful, and so quiet!! All my love, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA December 31 Dear Bill: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying, complete with a large count of coloform bacteria. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. The police came by with a formal complaint, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for the new years eve celebration tonight. Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!! Cordially, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA January 1 Bill: Happy New Year, to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and those dumb birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There's bird guana all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. You have gone too far, bird brain. STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS!! GOT IT? Sincerely, Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA January 2 OK, WISE GUY: I think I prefer the birds over this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a yard full of cow patties? Their piles are all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE OF YOUR "GIFTS". Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA January 3 Hey, Vacuum-for-a-brain: What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing—right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. You'll get yours, buddy. Sara Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA January 4 You rotten piece of cow patty: What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! The City Commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned. I'm filing a complaint to the police about you! One who means it. Miss Sara Truelove Somewhere, USA January 5 Listen, brainless: Now there's eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping, except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? There is a petition going around to evict me from the neighborhood. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Sara Law Offices
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